it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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