He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
