Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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