just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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