If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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