I was born with a shot glass in my hand
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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