I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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