I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
