I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
