If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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