I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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