Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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