I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
