Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
