I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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