I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
