oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
