it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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