dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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