my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
