I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
