But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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