made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
