I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
