You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
