I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
