Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
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new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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