New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
