Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
