he shaved USA in his pubs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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