I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
