I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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