Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
