Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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