Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
