shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
