i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
