I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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