It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
