Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
