my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
