so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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