Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
