dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
