Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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