I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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