The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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