U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
3 2 1 whiskey
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
