My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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