Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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