tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
