I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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