I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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