i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
