my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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